Everything Has Been Great, But I Am Burnt Out

These past few weeks have literally been a rollercoaster, and I realized how burnt out I am. For me, burnout doesn't hit me until I have solid numbers of days to slow down. I went from finishing one of the most stressful contracts, had one day off to move to a new place in town, and started my new contract the very next day. I didn't finish unpacking at my new place until my orientation shifts were done. To be honest, my first two orientation day shifts were supposed to be 12 hr each. Pretty easy, right? Naur. Thank goodness I was allowed to switch to 8 hr day shifts because I actually couldn't stay awake and function. That's how tired I was. 

Now that I am on day 2 of my 3 days off, all of my buried thoughts and emotions are catching up to me.

Disclaimer: The following paragraph contains graphic descriptions that may be sensitive to individuals.

Two Sundays ago, it was beautiful outside. The sun was shining bright. The sky was a clear blue. The air was fresh and a tidbit brisk. I could hear parents happily calling out to their children, and the children giggling with delight as they play in the park right beside my workplace.

None of that mattered.

Unbeknownst to the families in the park, I witnessed the worst overdose I've ever responded to. The flashbacks of the client's blue face, the silence of absent breathing, an unmoving chest, the lifeless eyes, haunt me. I was on this small apartment balcony, cluttered with two Muskoka chairs and a small table. I was ready to do CPR. I've never done CPR before in my 4 years of nursing, but in that moment, something in me clicked, and all of my insecurities about CPR disappeared. I did not have the time to be insecure. It was literally go-go-go. Luckily, the client responded to the naloxone my colleague and I administered, and recovered. 

When I pause to reflect and think about it, I freeze, and my heart sinks. Time comes a still and everything around me becomes silent. I enter this void where I am at the center and I am alone regardless of people being around me. The atmosphere thins and it feels like I stopped breathing. I can see my body clearly, but everything around me is blurry. I chant to myself mentally, "He lived. He's alive. He's okay. He did not die" to wake myself out of this stupor. When I do come to my senses, I suddenly start gasping for air as if I actually did stop breathing.

When I was talking to Shea about it, he said, "You saw somebody almost die, and they're alive because you helped them." We were eating pho at a restaurant when he told me this. The reality and the seriousness of the situation really hit me, the emotions were being processed, and I teared up. The adrenaline wore off. I was somewhere safe with someone who made me feel safe, so my body let me process wtf happened. 

That's the thing when you work in the field, on the frontline, in high-risk environments. I may be considered a young nurse still (I mean, of course I am), but I am no longer a new grad. In just 4 years, my ability to compartmentalize has strengthened astonishingly. I shut myself down, become this automated machine running on pure adrenaline and limited emotions. It can take minutes up to months for the mind and body to actually process the shit I go through.

As much as I love working in mental health, these past few months I was literally surviving. I was in a workplace where staffing was bare bones and there was no such thing as structure. Need a doctor? Send clients to emerg. Need security? Call the police.

Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot these past few months. The development in my autonomy is absolutely mind-blowing. I jumped out of my comfort zone to discover new things that I am capable of doing and realized that I can do astronomically more than working at the bedside. I had a great team. Though there were many shifts where I was the only nurse, everyone I worked with was reliable and I knew we could survive the shift no matter who I was working with. I am grateful.

Side note: Ontario, time to step up. We need mental health workers, addiction recovery workers, and peer support workers added as careers in Ontario. Because goddamn, I could not survive working in BC without them.

I am not gonna lie though. There were many times where I was terrified and walked home terrified. There were many times where I dead ass thought mentally, "This is it. I'm gonna get hit." Thankfully, I didn't get hit. But I was verbally abused by few clients and even physically intimidated by one of them. I worked in hardcore places before, including forensics, but this place was by far the most unsafe place I have ever worked in. I ended up getting counselling through the employee assistance program because of how unsafe I felt, and that working this contract triggered trauma from the assault that happened to me last year. I even had weekly check ins with one of my agency's coordinators to just talk about what was going on with me.

Counselors have this insane ability to tell you things that seem to be so simple and straight up, but you aren't able to see it because you are caught up in emotions. I was beating myself up in my past contract. I thought I was weak and being hypersensitive, especially because I even considered cancelling the contract early. My counselor said this, "You weren't being hypersensitive or overly anxious. There is nothing wrong with you nor is there any anxiety for you to work on. You are having a normal response to danger. You sensed you were in danger and your body is acting the way it is supposed to react." I cried, because I realized I was invalidating myself, assumed it was mental health issues, and that I actually was scared for justifiable reasons.

Even I am guilty of saying, "Well, that's just part of the job" when it comes to safety issues regarding myself at work. Then my counselor recommended a workbook for me to work on (that I have yet to start) that was developed for therapists and healthcare providers who have gone through trauma. And damn, do I have trauma.

But yeah, it was rough the past 3 months. Now, I started a new contract. Same city, different workplace. It is a detox program and I am loving it so far. I feel more secure and at ease. Even though I have no detox experience, I am actually interested in the program and eager to learn. I'm absorbing information like a sponge and already picked up extra shifts right after orientation. Literally. I just finished two nights shifts where I was the only nurse from 2300 hr to 0700 hr.

Now I have more than 2 days off in a row. It is heavenly. Like damn, I can not do the 8 hr shifts, 5 days a week. The two days off was not enough time to recover and process everything that happened. It felt like I was living there almost everyday. Everything I've put on hold is just now hitting me. Community mental health is not an easy field to work in.

Now, this new contract, the 12 hr shifts for 3-4 days, then having more than 2 days off, is amazing. Though the shifts can get busy, they're steady. Most of all, I feel safe. This program is not as high-risk as the place I worked before.

But because I have more days off, I am now processing what has happened in the past 3 months. My mind and body has been through a lot. Even though the past week has been amazing (I even moved to a nicer two-bedroom apartment in downtown), I was sad. I spent time with my friends and Shea. I have more days off than before. So why am I sad? Why do I have no energy to do anything? Why do I struggle to get out of bed to even use the bathroom or make myself food? I have no energy to do hobbies like watch anime, play video games, blog, vlog, or even call friends and family. I just tapped out. I stopped responding to messages. I basically went M.I.A.

Why?

The reason is that I am burnt out.

That's when I realized that I have not been doing the self-care I needed to be doing for myself. I have not been letting myself rest as much as I should. Also, I have been over-involving myself in some people's lives, where I know I should take a step back and let them figure things out on their own. I have my own problems and life to deal with. I need to set boundaries as to how much I allow people to vent to me for my own well-being because I end up taking on some of that stress and pressure which I do not need to bear. I don't need to be taking care of people all the time nor be caring about people (especially those who don't care as much about me).

So what am I going to do?

Well, first things first, I gotta get rest. I am easing the intensity and frequency of my workouts. I need sleep. I probably got like maybe 20 hrs of sleep in the past two weeks. I am setting boundaries with myself on stepping into people's lives. I know I mean well, and they know I mean well, but I have to stop interfering and getting myself worked up on things that are not actually my problem. I need to do fun things again. I had a 2 hour conversation with a patient about anime, so I'm gonna start watching anime again. I also need to continue reading books and journaling more. Writing this blog right now, I actually feel a huge weight being lifted off my chest.

Most important of all, I need to set time aside for myself to just reset. Thankfully, I have friends who understand when I need time to be alone and fully relax. I did not plan to go out with any friends this week (except for one because she is leaving for Ontario soon). I am hanging out with myself and taking care of myself.

I think these next few months will be about choosing peace and ease. I have to be soft, kind, and gentle to myself. I no longer need to survive now, I just need to live and go with the motions. I know there will be days where it is just pure chaos. Yet, I need to actively make the decision to wind down and take care of myself before, during, and after those moments of chaos. And that's the thing, the chaos is temporary, not forever. I have to remind myself that.

Anyways, thank you to everyone who read this blog to the end. I really appreciate you for that.

Here are some photos that bring me peace and ease that I took recently. Spring is here. The days are getting longer, the sun is shining more, and there are less cloudy days. Spring has been making me take a pause to look at small things and enjoy them as they are.

Wishing yall good things in life,

Ro